|Posted on July 28, 2015 at 9:40 PM|
This past week, while waiting for the results of a CT scan on my abdomen, I learned some very unsettling news about myself.
A couple of days prior to my doctor’ appointment to get the results I began to panic. Didn’t go into my old full-blown panic attack. God completely took those away in 1993, while in the state mental hospital in San Antonio, Texas. Nevertheless, it was panic. I became overwhelmed with sadness and fear. The thought of dying was suffocating me. I thought I can’t die! I asked the Lord why I was so fearful of dying. He tells us we will immediately be with Him upon the Saints death. That is far better than continuing on here. So what was going on?
As I threw myself upon the mercies of His throne, He revealed to me that I was afraid He would not be there upon my death. I was fearful that the promise of my eternal inheritance would be taken away upon my death. How could I think that? What could this be?
The tears began to flow, my heart pounded faster and faster, and I gasped for air. I went back to the time when my mother passed. I always feared she didn’t love, and someday she would prove it to me. When she passed away, my worst nightmare came true. Several hours after her passing, the administrator read her will. I was her only surviving child, but she cut me out of her will. My name was nowhere to be found.
Yes, the fact that I was disinherited was heartbreaking, but that was not the worst part. To me this validated that she in fact did not love me, as I had always feared. I felt like the rug of life and love had been pulled from under my feet. There was nowhere to fall except in the arms of Jesus with a broken heart.
God showed me that I was fearful He would do the same thing – upon my death, He would not accept me into His Kingdom. Even more shameful, I thought maybe He really is not who He says He is, or at best, He would pull the rug from under my feet by telling me He did not love me enough to allow me eternal salvation. That in fact, it was all a joke!
I am ashamed to admit I think like this. Because I am still battling between the flesh and the spirit, these thoughts do come. They are what I call ugly thoughts. They are the thoughts that Satan wants you to believe in order to steal, kill and destroy you.
So what did I do?
1. Instantly make a choice- It MUST be one or the other
a. Am I going to run to God, His Son, and/or the Holy Spirit?
b. Am I going to entertain the thoughts of fear and anxiety?
Joshua 24:15 "And if it seems evil to you to serve the LORD, choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods which your fathers served that were on the other side of the River, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you dwell. But as for me and my house, we will serve the LORD."
2. Choose His Word and turn to Scripture - In the midst of my fear I ran to what I know and eventually trusted. Why would I run to what I know?
a. The alternative is death. When I choose to focus on the ugly thoughts, I lose. Those thoughts take over my mind, my day, my relationships, and my life.
b. I choose to focus on God because, in spite of what I am thinking at the time, I know He has never failed me, disappointed me or lied to me.
Hebrews 4:12 For the word of God is living and powerful, and sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing even to the division of soul and spirit, and of joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart.
3. Focus on the character of God – It is vital that I remember who He is.
a. God is not a liar
Numbers 23:19 God is not a man, that He should lie, Nor a son of man, that He should repent. Has He said, and will He not do? Or has He spoken, and will He not make it good?
Romans 3:3-4 For what if some did not believe? Will their unbelief make the faithfulness of God without effect? Certainly not! Indeed, let God be true but every man a liar.
b. He is faithful
c. He knows my fears
Romans 8:15 For you did not receive the spirit of bondage again to fear, but you received the Spirit of adoption by whom we cry out, "Abba, Father."
4. Read verses aloud - I sometimes need to walk around reading Scripture so I can hear it. It’s also good because the enemy can hear the Word too. He knows He must flee.
Matthew 10:31 Do not fear therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows.
5. Repeat them over and over – It may be necessary to repeat the verse because of confusion in your mind and other distractions.
Then I heard Him say, Do You trust Me? I hesitated. Then I heard Him say, Trust Me. I cried out again. He kept saying Trust Me. Do not worry about something that has not happened. Trust Me. Didn’t I say I will never leave you nor forsake you. (Habakkuk 13:5)
My fear did not go away, but I chose to focus on what my heart and soul were saying to me – God is real!
God is faithful! God is alive! God will not let me down! God is bigger than any fear that tries to overtake me!